My Immortal – too beautiful for words..

Dear God,

I have no qualms about the wounds, nor the pain, nor time nor the memories. You listen to all prayers, so please accept mine:
Let my love never cry for I am not there to wipe away those tears…

Wake Up

It’s funny how we never seem to notice the beauty of things to be found right in front of our faces …

Cleaned the windows -the same windows we have had for the past 24 years. And even though they are cleaned often, it was the first time I noticed the precious window frame on the outside of the house, which is has an intrinsic beautiful wood snuggling up to the glass, being that pillar of support. It really does enhance the look of the frame. I was taken aback by its beauty. I always thought it was a man-made material, but that is because I did not look close enough. Had I done, I would have known that it  actually is very natural and very breathtaking.

It’s worth not taking anything for granted … it could be there the whole time and you search everywhere for that one precious thing. Open your eyes. See with your heart. Appreciate with your soul – before it is too late.

New Beginnings

Dear God,

Walking through the suburbs, I notice the beautiful houses that surround me. One after another, each one as welcoming as the one before it and the one after it. The plants, shrubs, greenery that can be found in the driveways is a pleasure to appreciate. People really take care of their homes; it is such a delight to see as you pass by.

And then I come to one house in particular. There are no colourful flowers adorning it; just a small magnolia bush (I know it is magnolia, my brother-in-law loves that and they have what is now a great tree in their garden), with some evergreen plants here and there. I carry on walking but am pulled back by the tree stump which is guarded now with boulders around it. You can tell that it was grand tree once; the base is still strong and defiant. I wonder how it was reduced to what it is now – Maybe with the winds it broke and the owners cut it for safety or that it would grow better? Maybe it was diseased so to save the rest of it, the only option was to cut it and let it start anew? Or maybe there is another maybe or so many other maybes.

All I know is that once grew here a mighty tree and I know also that that mighty tree will grow and flourish here once again. It is only a matter of time. For time heals all wounds (and so they say).

With hope for the future and for trees everywhere, please have mercy ya Rabbil Alamin.

Nasreen

The beauty of Henna (mehndi)

Many of us are celebrating Eid over the coming days. As is cultural tradition, the women love to decorate their hands with henna patterns. For the first time in a very long time, I am also one of these women. I have never had the urge to have mehndi done on my hands before, but this year, this Eid, I wanted to. I wanted to know what it would feel like to have mehndi on my hands. Maybe I will never get to put mehndi on my hands as a bride, but as a woman celebrating Eid, it is the least I can do. Perhaps in some strange way, it will compensate for it..

I sit here looking at the beauty that is mehndi. It makes me think that life’s events (be they good or bad) adorn us, like henna. When the henna has dried, it will peel away, leaving behind rich colour. When something great happens to us, whilst we rejoice in it’s euphoria, like the henna it looks beautiful. When it passes, it leaves behind it’s mark, but gradually, the memory will fade, as does the henna after however many days before the colour wears off completely. So too with the not-so-great things: once again, whilst we go through it, we don’t realise, appreciate or understand the beauty of the trial that has befallen us, for it is nothing more than something positive packaged in a different way, and when it too passes (for everything must run it’s course), it leaves behind it’s mark like the colour of the henna which then goes on to fade away with time.

The beauty of henna cannot be praised enough. A beautiful Creator’s beautiful creation. Alhumdulillahi Rabbil Alamin.

And which of Your Favours can I deny?

Dear God, Ya Rabbil Alamin

As you know, there is a chipped side to my work desk. I carefully have guarded the part that broke off from the last time that I moved the desk around and today as I felt the need to change the layout of the room, I thought to fix it.

Off I went to get the superglue and with great care, ensured that I applied it evenly onto the broken part and as I went to affix it to the desk, what happens but the superglue starts to run all over the carpet and as I desperately try to stop it, it is all over my hands. When they say that ‘this glue bonds everything’, they weren’t messing around were they?!? This is an industrial glue so it is dozens of times stronger than the ones you buy in WHSmith and such places. Anyway, so I run to get spirit in the hope that it will remove it, but sadly no such luck. I feel the glue burn my hands and I decide that it is better to leave it there for trying to peel it off will only tear my skin, literally.

However, there was work to be done so I carried on moving the furniture. Only, I was unable to grip anything because my fingers were unable to grasp anything. Made me stop and think and I wanted to thank You for the blessings that You have bestowed upon me – something so simple which in my everyday existence, I take for granted. What would it be like, if my fingers were permanently like this?

I am sitting here an hour later typing this with superglued fingers (luckily I did not join my fingers …) and I know that gradually, with time, it will start to peel itself; hopefully it will be kind and not remove too much of my skin.

I cannot deny any of Your Favours for You are beyond compare. Undeniably, the Generous Giver. Thank You for giving me what You have. I pray that I prove worthy of Your Mercy.

With gratitude, Nasreen
(who now obviously has superglued fingers)

Birds Chirping ..

Dear God,

On many previous occasions I have thought it odd to hear the odd bird chirping a few hours after midnight. The first time I heard this, I thought it was strange. I looked out of my window and it was pitch black, surely birds chirp nearer to dawn? I thought to myself.

Which they do, and the closer it gets to dawn the louder and more frequent is the sound of these beautiful winged creatures that You have created.

But then just now, I realised why the first bird chirps so very early, so just after midnight …

…It is the start of Tahajjud. So, when mankind is too lazy to praise You, the birds honour You.

In awe of Your Signs, Nasreen

Thank you

Dear God,

If someone were to hand over a £20.00 and not expect anything in return, we would think it disrespectful to just take it and not say thank you. It makes sense right? Manners. We are taught as children, to watch our manners. And yet … in front of You, I sometimes wonder, how many times do I give You the respect and acknowledgement due? I am so ashamed.

I have been sitting here, listening to the patter of the rain on my window-sill. I am warm, in a comfortable house, I have everything. I watch the world outside, I am safe. And then I think of all those people who are at this moment under cardboard boxes, or on the street without any covering at all and for whom, even a cardboard box is a luxury .. and my heart weeps. And yet when was the last time I thanked you, for my bed, for my house, for my family, for my friends?

I am sorry. 

Nasreen

 

p.s. Thank you also for my husband (who we all now know is George Clooney) and of course for my President (Barack Obama). 

Pleasure & Pain

Dear God,

You are remarkable… Was walking past a florist stall earlier and noticed a display of magnificent roses. I stopped to admire their beauty. As I was looking at them, I noticed the thorns on the stems.

The rose stalk tells the story of the pattern of life itself. With every moment of pleasure, somewhere along the line there will be the enlacing of pain. And that with every point of pain, there is something that has the potential to bring you pleasure. When I think of these little signs, I realise how much I am in awe of You.

With every ending, there is hope of a beginning, and with every beginning there has to at some point, lie an ending.

With every love, there is euphoria, but then at the same time, there is the potential of heartbreak.

When a couple copulate, it is most often a source of pleasure but then should that copulation go on to sow the seed of a new life, the woman will go on experience immense physical pain of childbirth.

(.. whilst the man … holds the woman’s hand in labour, if she is lucky.)
( .. ok, so we really need to work more on this pleasure/pain theory .. but then, You say that on no soul shall You place a burden more than it can handle, so I guess, this only goes to show the strength of women, because quite frankly, after all, the men are the weaker sex!)

For now, thanks for listening, Nasreen

To love or be loved?

Dear God,

Confusion seems to have taken ahold lately. Hormones have been on red alert (excuse the pun) and what has resulted has been this frightening inner turmoil. I know that there are times when I sit here and wonder if You have forgotten me, sometimes I feel that You do, but then I banish these demonic whispers for that is insane. For I know that You remember me, because I remember You …

Lately I wrote to you asking for someone to want me. Ya Elahi, Ya Rabbul Alamin, sometimes I worry for I do not agree when people say that you should be with someone who wants you more than you want them. Using the infamous words of a notorious someone who, upon seeing Salman Rushdie playing out a role of a doctor, in a very awful Helen Hunt movie, quietly mumbled, ‘that is just .. wrong..‘ Yes it is so very wrong to be with someone because they love you more. Please help me here God, I do not understand; I know its wrong, for you have to be true to that person who is loving you, but then, I question whether it is ever possible for two people to love each other the same? Isn’t it always going to be that one partner will love the other more?

Thanks for listening.

Humbly and very PMT-hoping- that- soon- can- return- to- normal- whatever- normal- actually- is, Nasreen

My most favourite time of the day: pre-dawn

The other day I was sitting here with A. until the early hours, just chatting. We had not seen each other since we were 18 when I went to drop her off, there was an inexplicable peace in the air. A very faint birdsong could be heard, and even though it was still a little chilly, there was a warmth in the air, a sense of serenity.

‘You know, my most favourite time of the day has to be Tahajjud,’ I said. ‘What I get out of that prayer, I can never find in any of the others, even in the Fajr one. I always feel that I am the closest to God at that time.’

‘That is beacause He is closest to you,’ was the reply.

 

Heartache

Dear God,

They say time heals. When there is excrutiating pain in your heart, it is difficult to accept and indeed fathom how things will ever get better, but by some miracle we have the ability to let ourselves heal.

Maybe today, tonight, at this point in time, I feel nothing, not even pain itself and it is a good feeling. I wish it could be like this all the time. Ya Elahi, please take my heart and control it for me, for I am unable. And who knows our hearts better than You who created them?

Yours,

Nasreen

And then I remember …

There are times when thoughts buzz in my head and the creativity is intense that my pen flows and flows and then there are those moments when the ink dries and it is as if nothing can penetrate my brain because there is a wall there, impeding its passage.

Lately it has been a mish-mash of these highs and lows. When I am lucky enough to have something down pen to paper (or fingertip to keyboard) I often feel a sense of relief rush through me; a mini accomplishment and I feel that a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and subsequently my mind. The other night, I wrote something, for my next book actually and I was so excited by it – it was one of those moments that you want to share it with someone; you want to hear some gentle words of encouragement, and if they don’t offer any, at least you were able to share that with another human being.

I looked around me and there was no-one. No-one whatsoever. Yes it was nearly 1.30am the time wasn’t the issue. I remembered at that moment, that I just did not have anyone to share such a moment with. And so, I just went back to my desk burying this temporary feeling of elation now showered with a few drops of reality.

Wanting to be wanted

Dear God, Ya Rabbul Alamin

I wonder what it is like to be wanted by someone? I imagine it must be a great feeling. In my life so far, as You know too well more than anyone, I have always done the wanting, never been wanted by anyone.

Hope I am still not saying that closer to my death. I guess life carries on and time will not wait and for some people, some things will not be a reality, but it would be nice to experience this just once in my life, even if it is for a short while. Please.

Your humble servant, Nasreen

Hope in the least likeliest of places

Dear God,  Ya Rabbul Alamin

It’s been a while since I thought of You …

But I smiled to myself the other day as I remembered You. I was on the train and was admiring the view (.. well the fields, the odd horse, graffiti wall, a few sheep here and there as they were whizzing by). Despite the speed of the train, I noticed one field in particular which was fairly rundown and you could tell that it was virtually abandoned, but there in front of me was a most heart-warming spectacle. In that field, where nothing else was growing, not even grass, I saw a bunch of daffodils. Beautiful daffodils. There must have been over a dozen or so huddled together. I thought about how hope and the most unexpected can exist and survive in the most unconventional of places and that beauty is there all around in the most least likeliest. Your Signs are there, I know they are. Forgive me for when I am ignorant and blind to them.

Please give me strength to hold onto this, lately it is becoming tough. Please grant me the courage to keep going.

Thanks,
Your humble servant, Nasreen